Smiley

Contributed by Helen via maxis blackberry

Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made
passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell
asleep, awaking around eight p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told
the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied.
He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?"demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling", replied the man, "I can't lie to you.

I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all
afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

Don't make the same mistake ...
An Ah Lian, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
"How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need
were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her
husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the
house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the Lian came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the Lian answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
" Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the Lian added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Fellali."

Anythin'
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her
husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to
storm out of the house her husband stopped her with these words:
"Honey, before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came about."
The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway,
and I saw this young girl looking very tired and be draggled, so I offered
her a lift."

"She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the
roast you didn't like in the refrigerator.

She had only some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of shoes you had
discarded simply because they were out of style."

"She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday -
the one you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were
torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too
small for you now."

The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just
one question to be answered...

"That's all fine and good," she said,"but why did I find you both in our bed
with NO clothes on?"

The husband replied, "Well, that's simple...see, as she was about to leave
the house she turned to me and asked,
"Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore??"

Who's better?
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid.
After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a
cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.

The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go
unanswered. "Your husband consides ma a better housekeeper and cook
than you, Madam. He has told me himself."

The rich bitch just scowled and said nothing.
"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"

"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"
"No, Madam," said he maid. "The chauffer told me that!"

Thanks Doc!
A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married
and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50,
and I get $43 back from Medicare (Medical Claim).

The House Phone Bill...
The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a
family meeting.

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I
do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile
Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.